What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 07:12
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What nonsense did you hear today in India that made you laugh?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why does my crush make me jealous about having a girlfriend?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Have you been arrested or investigated?
Comes on , in middle age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What makes a woman attractive?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was 9 years of age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!